It is a cold night, not too cold, just my kind of cold.
I had a delicious meal for dinner. I have new stocks of my favourite series and movies. The phone is charged, I have great internet access and my wallet is not complaining. My life should be complete…that is all it usually takes to make me happy after a long work day. (Did I mention I am low maintenance?)
But I am sad and somewhat angry, with no serious explanation for it. I feel like a selfish prick. Children in Somalia do not have food and I am here bitching about nothing!
Okay maybe there is a reason for the mood, I am kind of losing my shit…and everything seems to be out of my control. I hate it when I am not in control. I like to be in control of my life (or whichever parts God lets me control), I like to be in control of my finances, I like to be in control of my time and how it is spent, I like to be in control of my body, and above all I like to be in control of my feelings and emotions. It just doesn’t seem to be happening lately.
This shouldn’t be happening now. I mean, am getting older — I should be more in control now of all times! I should have my shit more figured out. I should be responding to situations rather than just reacting. I should be in a position to make right decisions about my life and not feel compelled to explain myself or apologise for them.
I probably let the wrong people into my life and listened to the wrong words. I probably did what I shouldn’t have done or did not think it important to do what I well knew I should have done.
But no worries, all is not lost, I still have a brain and a conscience. I had lost my shit for a moment, but I am taking it back. I am taking back control. I am taking back my life.